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IndustryCentral ScreenWriters Exchange: Action/Adventure: Unbelievable
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of pageLink to this message   By Don Bellville (Wildway) on Monday, November 13, 2000 - 06:52 am:

Synopsis: A seventeen year old boy, while listening to the airwaves on his new HAM radio, hears information on a plot to kill the President. The assassination attempt will happen in the boys small town in Texas. The boy enlists the help of a few friends and a "gorgeous" new love. They go on a hunt to find the assassins. When they find them, they take the information to the police. The police, when they find out the boy has a past in which he accidentally killed his parents, deem him unbelievable. When the news of the boys past comes out in a local paper, his friends desert him. Therefore, he has to go to his favorite teacher, a history teacher who is known as a Vietnam hero, for help. The teacher, goes to the police himself, after the boy shows him the hideout and actions of the assassins. The police, inclined to believe him, decide as routine, to do a background check on him. They find out that the teacher was never in Vietnam, and now deem the teacher unbelievable. The teacher, beaten and broken, deserts the boy, and contemplates suicide. The boy decides to save the president anyway, with the help of his new love. They attend the rally where the president is, and the police take them away, thinking they may try to kill the president. Just as the President is in the sites of the assassin's gun, the teacher jumps in front of the President, and takes a bullet for him.

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of pageLink to this message   By Alan A. Armer (Alana) on Saturday, December 2, 2000 - 12:23 pm:


Don - Your story creates some excellent suspense and excitement. I have a couple of problems. First, 'Unbelievable' seems somewhat derivative - reminiscent of several Hitchcock flicks. Some despicable person is going to kill the Pope, a visiting dignitary or the president and our protagonist must race to get there in time to prevent it. Having said that, this is still an exciting and viable concept and probably will be filmed a few more times in years to come.

I'm sure you have worked out the details but it seems incredibly easy for the boy to find the assassins' hideout. Who are the assassins - Florida Republicans? Okay, the boy's past makes his story doubtful but wouldn't the police at least check out the assassins and their hideout? So many stories, especially private eye yarns, depend on police stupidity to give their protagonists a function.

I like very much that it is the history professor who prevents the assasination and not the kid. That's good plotting on your part.

Finally, the small detail of the info on the ham radio. Why on earth would the Bad Guys send such sensitive information over the airwaves? Can you make this feel legitimate, Don?

Good luck with your story. A lot of potential.

Critique by
Alan A. Armer

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