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IndustryCentral ScreenWriters Exchange: Horror/Thriller: VAMP-HIRE.
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of pageLink to this message   By Lee Hodkinson (Hermy) on Friday, October 13, 2000 - 06:38 pm:

Do you need that pest ruining your life eliminated whether it be a lawyer,a movie producer or a mother in law call VAMP-HIRE today,you wont be disappointed.

(Author Lee Hodkinson.c.2000.)

In the city of Darkmoor,darkness covers it like a sheet as Eliot Roosevelt,a Vampire hitman,prowls with his human assistant Ray Field.The V.E.A. a special unit of lawmen go to the hotel where Eliot currently resides and a fight ensues but Eliot and Ray escape to see another night.We meet Dennis Grant a hardworking obsessive police detective who in a troubled marriage to Susan has a six year old son James whom he hardly ever sees due to the demands of his job.
Today Dennis is preparing his unit for a important case involving trucks exporting weapons if the 'bust' comes off it may lead to the possible arrest of Patrick Slater a local head of a record company who has his fingers dipped in a lot of illegal pies and a longtime adversary of Dennis.The weapons are retrieved but not without casualties,Dennis is not a happy man and neither is Slater,things are about to get messy.Slater upon reading a advertisement(given to him by a friend) hires Eliot Roosevelt.
Now Sonny Reed used to work for Slater until he became a snitch for Dennis Grant but he regrets ever crossing Slater as Eliot comes for him one dark eerie night BANG!! Sonny shoots Eliot but still he attacks,Sonnys screams pierce the night air.
Patrick Slater has been busy fact finding as he learns of a government hidden country populated by Vampires,a place where racist Vampires will not drink a colored persons blood and the 'Dracula' movie is considered a weepie,he also hears of the 'Myth' which is when a Vampire drinks 'pure' blood they transform into a ferocious beast.Eliot stalks the Grant household,standing behind Susan unnoticed during a lightening storm as she locks up a shed and staring at James through his bedroom window.
Ray Field has become concerned with Eliots erratic behaviour due to his consumption of drugs.Eliot has set his yellow eyed sights on Dennis lovable best friend Bob Jackson and upon reducing him to a blubbering wreck kills him,the police discover what's left of Bobs mutilated remains.On the advice of the sergeant Dennis sets off home only during his travel he meets Eliot who bites into his neck but before he can finish he is rudely interrupted by the V.E.A. which results in a car chase and an explosion at a gas station,Eliot escapes and Dennis is alive but he is now infected with vampirism.
Dennis arrives home and finds his wife dead,he is told to go to Saintsday cathedral where he will find his son,it's showtime.Dennis meets the V.E.A. and discovers they too are Vampires they both intend to stop this evil bastard once and for all.
Dennis and son get away but not before Ray Field is disposed of and in the ensuing madness Eliot drinks Patricks blood which happens to be pure,thus turning into the myth a creature that will rip apart anything in it's path and it proves this by destroying the V.E.A. soldiers Eliot persues Dennis and James to a closed bar where in a bloody battle Eliot meets his demise,he may not have won the battle but he was victorious in war.Now a Vampire Dennis takes his son to his parents and then departs with just the night for company.

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of pageLink to this message   By Alan A. Armer (Alana) on Thursday, October 19, 2000 - 03:05 pm:


VAMP-HIRE by Lee Hodkinson
Colorful material and some shocking moments. And your title is clever, but . . .

It's hard to take this material seriously. Are we supposed to? The concept of a vampire hitman borders on camp and might well play for comedy.

If we are to believe such a character as Eliot Roosevelt, we need to understand where he's coming from. But first, you should change his name. Eliot Roosevelt is/was the name of President Franklin D. Roosevelt's son who was in politics for many years. Using that name will certainly get you in trouble, Lee.

Vampires have their own story world. Hitmen have another. Putting the two together seems highly improbable and therefore requires explanation. Why does Eliot have a human assistant? And what do the letters V.E.A. stand for? The idea of a newspaper or magazine ad for a hitman is really funny. Especially a vampire hitman. I really think you should play your story for comedy. Was that your intention?

I also smile at the idea of racist vampires who won't drink negro blood. What exactly is "pure" blood?

Finally, before sending a story to anyone - producer, agent, or even a website - you should check it for grammar, spelling and sentence structure.

I wish you good luck, Lee.

Critique by
Alan A. Armer

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of pageLink to this message   By Lee Hodkinson (Hermy) on Friday, October 20, 2000 - 11:34 am:

The story is not intended as a comedy and I suppose it's difficult to portray the horror side in a synopsis but honestly the points you brought up are explained in the story.The story originally was a short tale I submitted to a magazine and it recieved a great write up from the editor I also gave the script to friends who all said it was excellent ( ok so they might be biased )but I also the script to people who didn't like me and they said it was good.If anyone wants to read it it's on the American Zoetrope site where it has recieved good feedback.I'll explain the story points in another message but I have to go now I'm gonna be late for work.

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