|By Gary Dover (Gdover) on Tuesday, July 13, 2004 - 04:14 pm:|
ConTours, comedy…103 pages
Three convicts on "work release" discover that being New Orleans tour guides can be dangerous to one's health as their silver tongued leader falls in love with a local godfather’s daughter.
Jason Rivers tells his two convict buddies, Moe and Skinny, that he has decided to go straight and fill the empty hole in his heart and find a soulmate. In order to fulfill that dream, Jason must first gain the approval of a tobacco chewing prison official named Ms. Pendlebrook who heads up the “work release program.” After undergoing a stomach wrenching application process of sexual debasement, Jason and his two cohorts are granted parole to work in New Orleans.
Moe is wary about being free, having been incarcerated for the last fifty years, while the much younger, Skinny, is anxious to party hardy in the French Quarter and introduce Moe to the wilder side of Bourbon street.
Upon their arrival, Jason meets a beautiful Creole virgin named Gabrielle, a local carriage operator, who also happens to be the daughter of a local mob boss and fanatically protective father, Henri Dubois. For Jason it’s love at first sight.
As Jason hustles a date with Gabrielle, two of Henri’s enforcers, beat up Jason and warn him to stay away from her. While enroute to their new place of employment in the French Quarter, the trio barely escape a hail of bullets intended as a warning to leave town.
Finally arriving at their new workplace, Bayou Tours, they discover their new employer, Alexander Boudreaux lying prostrate in a drunken stupor. Further investigation reveals that Bayou Tours will be closed within the week for back taxes unless fifty thousand dollars is raised. An unscheduled visit by a lesbian parole officer warns Jason to have a paycheck stub by the end of the week or it’s back to prison. The parole officer is Pendlebrook’s niece.
After discussing their limited alternatives, Jason decides the money can be raised if they work around the clock by over-pricing history tours of the French Quarter, even though their knowledge of local antiquity is almost nonexistent. In order to stay awake, Jason purchases caffeine pills that turn out to be Viagra, resulting in some compromising moments. A sexy schoolteacher is turned on by Jason’s artificially aroused state and lures him inside a Sherman tank at the WWII memorial only to be caught in an embarrassing situation by a pissed off Gabrielle.
With a ticked off Gabrielle making a hurried exit, Jason is seized by New York gangsters disguised as DEA agents who tell Jason that Henri’s daughter is a hustler and is only using Jason to sharpen her grifting skills. The bogus crooks hope to enlist Jason to discover the location of a large shipment of Ecstasy pills that Henri has staked his criminal future on. Jason’s in a state of denial upon hearing that Gabrielle could be a part of something so vile and corrupt.
Upon returning to Bayou Tours, Jason discovers Bourdreaux and the parole officer having a wild sex party. While trying to restore order, Jason receives a phone call from Ms. Pendlebrook informing Jason that she plans to check on Jason’s status within the hour. In the interim Gabrielle pays a surprise visit and convinces Jason that she’s not a con artist. The situation becomes more chaotic when Henri’s henchmen return, kidnap the entire group and torch the building.
Henri’s thugs decide to double-cross Henri and tell him that Gabrielle will be killed unless he hands over the drugs and the money. After arriving with the loot, Henri, along with the others are herded together to be shot when, one of the thugs backstabs his partner, who is in turn is backstabbed by the fake DEA. As the fake DEA crooks count down for a firing squad, a drunken Boudreaux arrives with Pendlebrook and a cadre of law enforcement.
Jason finds love, Gabrielle finds freedom, the crooks are taken to jail and Boudreaux receives a large reward to rebuild Bayou Tours and Moe discovers he also likes freedom and Skinny is ready to party.
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