IndustryCentral ScreenWriters Exchange: Comedy: Mousetrapped
Annie Ramos has spent most of her life climbing the corporate ladder of success. Although she's in middle management, Annie sleeps alone. On a long weekend holiday in New Orleans, Annie comes upon an old, curios shop. An old, crone who convinces her to buy a special deck of cards helps her. Annie finishes her vacation, flies back home town to San Francisco and is immediately thrown back into her hum drum life. At her parent's fiftieth wedding anniversary, Annie's father is rushed to the hospital. Through it all, Annie's three, close friends from work begin to use the playing cards in a game called "Fantasm". The cards, said the old crone, could lead to romance. But, her friends know that Annie needs a real love life. After numerous loser dates, the girls coax her into finding romance via the Internet. But the Internet, like a single's bar, attracts predators. And unknown to them Annie is in the sights of a Don Juan.
On the other side of town lives Bill Dressler, a successful, computer genius who lives in his own building and works by himself in obscurity. Bill's uncomfortable around people and spends more time talking to machines than human beings. Besides, he's just met someone via the Internet. But after prodding from his holographic, psychiatric program, which has tapped into the local cable channels and takes on different persona, Bill promises to seek human contact. When a computer meltdown happens at Annie's work, Bill steps in. He meets Annie and falls instantly in love. But Annie, who's met her soul mate via the Internet, is oblivious to Bill. Tension builds as Annie and Bill finally go out. But tragedy strikes as Annie learns of father's death.
Broken and tired Annie accepts a paid vacation from her boss and flies down to Cabo San Lucas. Along on the trip are the slimy computer salesman and an unknown observer, Bill, who keeps his binoculars on Annie. Who storms off and gets the first plane back to San Francisco after she accidentally meet Bill on a boat and puts two and two together. Bill buys all the seats on the plane, pours his heart out to Annie and tells her of his love for her. The only thing standing in their way is the love they feel for their Internet soul mates. During the plane ride, they realize that their intimate, Internet companions are each other. They fall into each otherís arms and soon marry.
124 Roma Ave. Buffalo, NY 14215
MOUSETRAPPED has a lot of strong entertainment elements going for it. My primary concern: it seems uncomfortably close to 'You Have Mail,' the successful Meg Ryan film. If you haven't seen it, by all means do so. It's probably on video now.
Why does Annie have to go to New Orleans to get the cards? There are plenty of curio shops in San Francisco. But I wonder if the cards are really operative in your story. (They should be the link that connects Annie to Bill, shouldn't they?)
Your premise doesn't really define the computer creep who lusts after Annie - or what his actions will be. You might consider developing this element because it takes your story in a different direction from 'You Have Mail.' Perhaps the Creep learns of Annie's on-line affair and uses Bill's name to his own advantage in computer messages. He has seen her in her work environment. Annie gets angry at "Bill" (really the creep) and breaks off what we had hoped would be a happily-ever-after relationship. Now she's sad and adrift and an easy prey for the Creep.
I wish you luck with it.
Critique by Alan A. Armer
|-- WARNING --
|Protect your work|
The US Copyright Office has Free Forms
|Protect your work
First Register your screenplay with the Writers Guild of America