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Shannons Opening Love
IndustryCentral ScreenWriters Exchange: Drama: Shannons Opening Love
Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of pageLink to this message   By Georgeanna Lee Doffmeyer (Georgeann) on Wednesday, January 10, 2001 - 05:38 pm:

Shannons Opening Love
Time: Present, some flashbacks
Place: New Zealand

Shannon is an inward shy woman/child, misunderstood by parents, Father left, Mother treated her harsh.

Shannon is raped by two alter boys, finds herself homeless and pregnant, taken to halfway house run by American Doctor with crippling illiness, they form a special love, he is taken back to America, where he dies, Shannon finds a meaning and sense of herself in the kids at halfway house, which she almost loses, when daughter is almost raped by teen boy confused between gay and straight, is Father takes Shannon to court, a family learning center is build.

If interested please email jldoff@ccpl.carr.org.
Thanks Georgeanna

Top of pagePrevious messageNext messageBottom of pageLink to this message   By Alan A. Armer (Alana) on Wednesday, January 17, 2001 - 10:58 am:

MODERATOR ANALYSIS

'Shannon's Opening Love' by Georgeanna Doffmeyer

First, and this applies to all would-be professionals, spelling and grammar are important. If they are ignored, agents and producers will consider you an amateur.

Georgeanna, you've made several grammatical errors in this brief summary. "Her mother treated her harsh." Should be "harshly." "Is build" should be "built." And others that I can't recall becauase I don't have your premise in front of me.

'Shannon' is an intriguing yarn. I worry (again) that it covers such an extended period of time but perhaps you will (somehow) fix that through your flashbacks. As stated, your story covers minimally 13 or 14 years. It almost feels like two stories. (a) Shannon is raped and finds compassion in the home, finds real love with the American Doctor who dies and Shannon is plunged again into despair. Somehow, she learns to believe again. (b) Shannon's daughter is raped and the boy's father takes Shannon to court (not sure why) and somehow a new center is built.

Either story has real potential but they do seem like separate stories. A girl recovering from rape is a story that has been told before. But a mother's anger at the rape of her daughter seems (to me) a fresher road to travel.

Good luck, Georgeanna. But be careful with your writing - even in submitting premises to an internet site. Be careful of your spelling and your grammar.

Critique by
Alan A. Armer


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