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The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.

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All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

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The problem is not that television presents us with entertaining subject matter,
but, that all subject matter is presented as entertaining.…

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The problem with television is that the people must sit and keep their eyes glued on a screen; the average American family hasn’t time for it. Therefore, the showmen are…

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When you're down and out, something always turns up -- and it's usually the noses of your friends.

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The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense

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The world is a fine place and worth the fighting for and I hate very much to leave it.

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Writing is the only profession where no one considers you ridiculous if you earn no money.

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My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

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Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?

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When asked what he thought of William Shakespeare

I'll moider da bum!

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The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.

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I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

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While attending a Production Meeting

This is no place to ask questions!!

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The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is outgrossing my films.

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The one function TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if there were.

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You don't write because you want to say something; you write because you've got something to say.

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From: "Tuesday's with Morrie"

We must learn to love one another or die.... We must!

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The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

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Television has done much for psychiatry by spreading information about it, as well as contributing to the need for it.

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Advise to a young Richard Roundtree

Whatever you do in this business, It's much easier than lifting heavy things.

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Seeing a murder on television, can help work off one's antagonisms.
And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some!

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I can't wait to one day shoot in Detroit and say 'Let's have this double for Toronto'.

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I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

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No matter how slow the film, Spirit always stands still long enough for the photographer it has chosen.

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The camera makes everyone a tourist in other people's reality, and eventually in one's own.

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Sage Advise to a Young Oregonian, Barbara Niven

If you want to make it in show business, get the hell out of Oregon!

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To young actor. Eugene Roach on the subject of acting

Don't ever let 'em catch you at it.

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From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

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Kiss and make up...
but too much makeup has ruined many a kiss.

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Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.

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Life ain't no dress rehearsal.

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The faster I write the better my output. If I'm going slow I'm in trouble. It means I'm pushing the words instead of being pulled by them.

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Our doubts are traitors and make us lose the good we oft might win by favoring to attempt.

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Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic

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I must say that I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a book.

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I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

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Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

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Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

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What's this business of being a writer?
It's just putting one word after another.

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No passion in the world is equal to the passion to alter someone else's draft.

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The people who get on in this world are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they want, and, if they can't find them, make them!

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I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, Thyroid problem?

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I'll give you a definite maybe.

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It's kind of fun to do the impossible.

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Do, or do not. - There is no 'try'..

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I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

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Television enables you to be entertained in your home by people you wouldn't have in your home.

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Why should people go out and pay to see bad films when they can stay at home and see bad television for nothing?

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It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.